Millennial Musings

Highs and Woes.

Here’s to the time you made me feel seen. The excitement of youthful adolescence. Pulsing through the nerve routes of my heart and soul. The first love that felt like it was going to be forever. Forever lasted 4 months. It felt like forever. A forever and ever ago. Young loves’ first dream became a tarnished nightmare. Here’s to the times you made me feel worthless. From being seen to being invisible in a sea of exotic fish. How enticing. And you came prepared with a net. You were never really my type. You were just the first one to notice me. And that was enough during puberty. It ended with a simple “Goodbye.” By text, obviously. Years later you tried getting in touch again. Sometimes, there can be good in goodbyes. So let us leave it at that.

Here’s to the times of rebounds. Still so youthful, being swept away by the bad boys of the world. It was rebellion unmatched. It felt right and wrong, and I was so strong. You were so much older but not much wiser. The bad boy scene turning swiftly sour.  Two years of not knowing how and when it would end. Trapped. The feeling of a cold, hard brick wall behind me and your hot, angry hand around my neck. Vitriolic spittle in my face. Of searching phones and searching accounts. Of control and fear. The lies and deceit. Only ending with courts and restraining orders. You’re not around anymore, but wherever you may be, please know that I forgive you. And I hope you are at peace, even though you stole mine.

Here’s to picking up the pieces. Kintsugi. You tried so hard to put me back together. Your golden nature desperately holding it all together. But the pieces were too fragmented. Your gold, tarnished with my rust. I am sorry that in trying to fix me, I broke you too. You gave me the space when I needed it most, when I feared it most. You walked away and that was the best thing anyone could have done for me. You and I both got in life what we deserved. And for that, I know karma is real. I never told you, but you taught me how precious I really was. Young, beautiful, innocent and so deeply sad. You gave me hope that there was someone worth loving. So thank you.

Here’s to the void. The long, dark years of numbness. To the highs and woes of the times in between.  Vicissitudes and emotional oscillations. Not knowing who, why or when. To being the other woman, to being the only woman, to being all and then nothing at all. For the hearts that I broke, and for the hearts that tried to break mine again. To the boys that did not know how to be men. And to me, who did not know how to be a woman. Those years of night terrors, of incertitude and no end in sight. You taught me how to be alone. You taught me what “rock bottom” felt like. You taught me how to grow. You can write all the lovely heartfelt notes you want, but I really don’t care much for you. I never did. And I won’t waste anymore breath trying to explain myself to you either. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and we may never know that reason. And that’s reason enough for me.

Here’s to you. You had no agenda, and you had no clue. You had no pickup lines, but your feelings were true. You found me in the void. You spoke tentatively. You were not overbearing. You unknowingly knew I was vulnerable with sharp edges. I could harm but I meant no harm. You were friend zoned quickly. There was no capacity left to care. And you were okay with that. You were a friend. A therapist may be more accurate a descriptor. You listened without judgement. You appreciated the quirks. The cracks. And the real me with all her complexities. You waited patiently when I cried. You waited patiently at every turn. You were so incredibly patient. You laughed at the “interesting” specimens my mother introduced me to in a bid to find me a perfect match. You laughed but I’m still not sure if it was a nervous laugh.

Here’s to the time you asked me to be yours. There was no frolic, no frills. You were never good with words or grand gestures. But your simplicity is what I craved. You helped me grow into the woman I am, and you grew with me, to be the man I still love. Not only have you helped me understand that with you I am complete, but that even on my own, I am, also, irrevocably complete.