Millennial Musings

Disclaimer: In the following text I will discuss romantic relationship. In certain situations where your life, wellbeing or the wellbeing of a minor are at risk due to abuse of any sort, it is paramount to seek help and exit the relationship as soon as possible. This article is not intended to address those situations.

I sit there watching “Love Island” and similar shows like Netflix’s “Deep Fake Love” wondering what is going on in the minds of the contestants. Utterly bewildered, so I am, at their attempts to find long-lasting love. Don’t get me started on apps like Tinder, Hinge, Grindr and what not. Maybe I am just 34 going on 64, but I seriously question the veracity of love based on what someone looks like. It does make me reflect about the authenticity of my relationship with my husband.

I met my husband at University. It was not love at first sight (though he claims for him it was-I seriously doubt it. I think he just says it to make me happy). I found him physically attractive and that was reason enough to be his mate. Slowly we got to know one another and the seedlings of a romance were firmly sown in a solid foundation. And love came sometime after nurturing those seedlings. It’s not that don’t believe in love, I just don’t believe in love at FIRST sight. It is usually “lust” at first sight. I mean we say men think with their penises but let’s be honest women, the little flutter downstairs does override our head too sometimes! You come across someone you find attractive for whatever reason, be it their face or personality, and only once you really get to know them, that’s when the love starts to kick in.

The focus on romantic relationships in the media are very strongly of an exciting, rollercoaster love that’s passionate and full of sex. There is a massive focus on the “spark”, the initial attraction and the fuzzy feelings that follow in the first few weeks of getting to know someone. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news-it never lasts. I don’t care if you got with a supermodel. Your spark will go at some point. The hormones that come into play when starting a new relationship differ from the latter stages of a relationship. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, takes centre stage once your sex hormones have had time to chill out. Inevitably in every relationship, that initial spark or excitement goes. You stop wanting to rip each other’s’ clothes off at every given opportunity. You prefer to instead to relax together on the sofa or in bed. And to keep that excitement and fun in your relationship, you will have to challenge yourselves from time to time. Shake it up a bit. Have fun together. Put in the work to keep the relationship strong. The saying-“You get out what you put in” aptly summarises what I mean.  

I hear too many stories from those I know closely and in my wider community, where a partner has left because the “love fizzled out.”  Love isn’t a bath bomb. It doesn’t fizzle out. It is more like a caterpillar. It goes into cocoon from time to time when it is tested. The caterpillar signifying love, sometimes cannot be seen. The outer hard exterior covering it up, making it difficult to get to, signifying the stressors, the tests of the relationship. Eventually, with time and effort the surface will crack, and a butterfly will emerge. Your love evolved. Love 2.0. It looks different, but beautiful, because the test you put your relationship through made it stronger. Difficulties in a relationship are not a reason to sack the whole thing off straight away. (Unless infidelity is involved, in which case, you need to drop the trash fast and quick!) you have to put in the graft together. Be it with external help or whatever help. To make things work, you need to give it your all. Not half arsed or one-sided effort. Together. It’s the only way to make things work.

There have been times where I have thought to chuck in the towel. Oh how much easier it would be in the short term to just walk away and start all over. Wild fantasies of living off grid with animals for company and eating off the land. No drama, no stress. Run away from my problems for the time being. Hey, maybe I will meet a Tarzan and I can be the next Jane. But problems seems to have a habit of catching up once you stop running. And no one can keep running forever. Every time you stop to take a breath, a new problem will arise. And so, the running begins again.

In the past when I have come across cracks forming in our relationship, I could have ignored them and carried on until the foundation beneath us completely gave way. Then chosen to walk my own different path to build a new foundation elsewhere. Instead, I do something difficult. I get a magnifying glass out and inspect those cracks. I make notes. I try figure out where the cracks are originating from, why they have formed and what can be done to resolve them. I then communicate these findings to the better half and get his take on it. It may be the analyst in me or the deep reflector, but these are the extra steps which I believe to be instrumental in making relationships work long term. In a world of instant gratification, doing the work for the long-term benefits while enduring immediate pain, is not the choice for most. Why suffer when you can quit now and move on? Good question. And here is the answer.

Nothing good and everlasting comes to you without a bit of effort. Instant gratification is just that. Instant. It will come fast; it will go fast. And you feel empty during the gaps in between. You will run to find your next source of instant joy. You will be stuck in a hedonic cycle of getting your next high. You have become a pleasure junkie. You have lost all sense of what it means to be alive, to live, to truly love and be loved in life. Calling it quits before you have even put in the effort to understand what the issues are, is like going straight to liposuction without addressing your diet. You’ll lose a few inches quickly, but without changing your diet, you are going to put those pounds back on soon enough.

“To be in love” or “to love”. Whatever! These tiny nuances we invented make little difference if you are willing to nurture your love and work through its’ highs and lows. Too many times I have seen people walk away from relationships without having put in the work or effort. And it makes me sad to see how the way we see love is getting warped into this sexy, instantly gratifying, copy & paste version of its’ former self.  When nurtured properly, love looks very different to what you see on your screens and social media. Love is life. To love someone is to have lived. To have and keep love is life’s treasure. Don’t disregard a treasure because there is some earth covering it. Dig it up, do the work. and enjoy your lifetimes’ treasure.